SWEET &
SOUR SAVIOUR ON A STICK (CHRIST KEBABS for the
financially
challenged)
Kebab Ingredients:
-
1 aged corpse
on a stick (approximately 2000 years old)
-
1 cup of cooking
oil
-
1/2 cup of meat
tenderizer OR 1 meat tenderizer mallet
-
1 tsp. of cumin
-
1 tsp. of oregano
-
1 tsp. of basil
Also:
-
Any mixture of
vegetables you like.
Sweet & Sour Sauce Ingredients:
-
16 ounces tomato
sauce
-
1/3 cup brown
sugar
-
14 ounces cranberry
sauce
-
1/4 cup lemon
juice
-
1 tablespoon lemon
juice
Combine all
sauce ingredients and mix in blender or food processor with a metal blade.
Pour into
a 4-qt ovenproof stewing pot and let simmer over medium heat while you
prepare the
Jesus.
The secret
to this delicious meal is picking the right Jesus. Despite everything you
may
have heard,
real Jesus' are NOT white meat; they are in fact a darker meat. Be careful
to get the
Real McCoy sugah. Next, exam your Jesus carefully. Make sure there are
no
welts or splinters
(from the stick it is tied to).
Remove your
saviour from the stick it is attached to. Be sure to save the crown of
olives,
as they can
be used as a garnish for your kebabs. Next you must drain your Saviour.
You can do
this by hanging your Saviour upside down and letting it drain via the handy
puncture wounds included on your own personal Jesus. Do NOT throw out the
blood, as
it will make
an excellent wine for your dinner. Alternatively, as any christian will
tell you,
you can cleanse
yourself in said blood.
Now it is time
to tenderize the meat. There are two ways to do this. You can let your
Saviour soak
in 1/2 cup of meat tenderizer for an hour or you can use a meat tenderiser
mallet and pound the Jesus for 10 minutes. If you do the former, be sure
to add the
cumin, oregano,
and basil and then proceed to soak the Saviour. The mallet method, however,
has an added bonus. If you hadn't already drained the wine out of your
Saviour, it
will be a much easier chore now, as it will most likely be a bloody mess.
It is
also a good
way to let off steam after a hard day. At the same time, heat a skillet
or
wok with one
cup of cooking oil.
After you have
pulverised Jesus, slice Jesus into square pieces and place in the skillet
or wok. Place
Jesus in the sauce and cook over low heat for 15 minutes. Serve with bloodwyne
and garnish with a crown of olives.
Jesus Cookbook
January 19,
1999 |
