When we got to the church the band was playing and the choir was signing.  Needless to    say, it was bloody boring.  Finally, an hour later, the minister got up and started to        preach about how churches were experiencing revivals and that is wrong.  Booooooooring.  Anyhoo, he went on to do his own little revival.  This is when it got good sugah.  He        would start speaking in tongues after every other sentence.  Ah found it really interesting that he said the bible said not to speak in tongues without an interpreter, but that he     didn't care. Well said sugah...after al, if christians cun't be bothered by the bible, neither    can ah.

When the collection plates were passed around, that's when we really learned about love.    As he said, giving your heart up to god.  This little speech went on until they     realised they weren't getting anymore money.  Ah am glad he told us that though, ah     didn't realize there was a direct line from mah heart to mah wallet to their bank account.  Anyhoo, he spoke in tongues and gave a really boring sermon on it that seemed to last forever.  Of course, ah may have been able to hear better if not for a few of the women from the choir hadn't been behind us laughing hysterically (holy laughing, ah assume)     most of the time.  Luckily, ah had brought along mah special decoder ring from the EAC   (Evil Atheist Conspiracy) and was able to make out what he was saying when he spoke in tongues.  Ah can't go into all the details, but ah distinctly heard "Give me all your money", something about a rubber chicken and vaseline and "launch every zig". 

Still, ah suspect ah didn't miss much.  He wasn't enthusiastic at all.  As a matter of fact,    he struck me as being very phoney.  Like he was going through the motions. People are paying for a good show and he cun't even be a professional about.  When Trevor Rabin    was playing five nights in a row during the Big Generator Tour, with the flu and a 105    degree temp, did he act nancy? NO!  He still put on what one hell of a show!  No one       even knew he was ill!

And hey, dontcha know, people in his church need to be washed in the holy spirit!  This       is where it got...scary.  Personally, ah prefer mah lemon scented shower gel. The minister and some of his ushers started grabbing people and doing the whole "slain in the spirit" routine, also known as "god makes you fall to the ground in a babbling, drooling fit".     Great, where do ah sign up?! Anyhoo, the routine was to grab a person, make a really    weird noise that sounds like a cross between your car when it won't start on a cold winter morning and a ninja in combat, then push the person to the ground.  Even when people resisted, he and the ushers pulled them out of their seats.  Mah friend later spoke to an usher and apparently they weren't forced after all, they do this every week.  Ah guess        the congregation was gonna really make the church work for that dollar they put in the    collection plate! 

Anyhoo, he went through the whole church and did this to every person, save for yours     truly and friend.  You just can't even imagine the sight of them pulling people up,    shrieking like a hyena and watching these people fall to the floor and flailing about.      Oddly enough, as a sign of modesty, ah was told, the women who were slain in the spirit    had their groins covered with a red cloth.  Why bother at this point?  Ah figure if they had any dignity at all they wouldn't make asses out of themselves anyway.  But, I digress...

They looked like prats!  It was hilarious!  As people fell to the floor he proclaimed "Ah     feel like a holy spirit ninja!" and people would gleefully giggle.  That's a nice sentiment      ah thought cause he looked bloody stupid. 

Just how bad was it all?  Even mah christian friend who took me, and considers herself         a charismatic christian, was slightly embarrassed.  You see, we visited this church on a Tuesday night service instead of a Sunday.  Apparently, Sunday services are more normal whilst Tuesday nights are usually for the devoted and hence wackier.  Would ah     recommend a visit to this church?  Ah most certainly would!  It's great entertainment,          if you can make it through the bloody boring music.  Hell, just get there an hour late and miss the music.  Sugah, this church is better than a circus or a freak show and cost a lot less.  So go forth young heathen, get there an hour late, watch the freak show and be thankful that you are a rational person.  Praise the lard!
 
 

Verdict:  The mission to convert not-so-surpisingly, failed.  However, this was cheaper
                 than a circus or freak show and safer, as long as you sit in the back pew.  And
                 don't forget your decoder ring from the Evil Atheist Conspiracy so you can
                 understand when they start talking in tongues...The Evil Atheist Conspiracy - 
                 we're after your children and pets.